Timestamps

00:00:00: Introduction

00:03:59: Tuning into your inner critic

00:13:07: How not to quieten the inner critic

00:15:19: Ideas for action…

00:15:25: … 1: turn your inner critic into a why question

00:22:58: … 2: label your inner critic

00:26:59: … 3: your inner critic vs your inner child

00:32:46: … 4: use a different part of your personality

00:36:44: Final thoughts

Interview Transcription

Helen Tupper: Hi, I'm Helen.

Sarah Ellis: And I'm Sarah.

Helen Tupper: And this is the Squiggly Careers podcast, a weekly show where Sarah and I dive into the ins and outs, ups and downs of work and give you some ideas for action and some tools to try out to give you a bit more confidence, clarity and control in your career.  And today, we're going to be tackling the topic of how to quieten your inner critic.  And before we get started, if it's one of the first times you've listened to the podcast, you might not know all the other stuff we do to support you.

So, you can join us for PodPlus, which is a weekly conversation where we dive a bit deeper into the topic, that's every Thursday morning for 30 minutes; you can download our PodSheets, that's a one-page summary where you've got the ideas for action that we share and some coach-yourself questions; and you can also sign up for PodMail, which is basically where everything is in one easy form, that comes to your inbox every week.  You can get all the links to that stuff in the show notes for this episode.

Sarah Ellis: So, what is your inner critic?  Well, your inner critic is that negative self-talk that I think feels familiar for everyone.  I'd love to hear from anyone who's just like, "I just don't have this ever.  My inner monologue is just always relentlessly positive".  Imagine what that person might be like; I don't know!  So, this is something I think we are all used to, and you might hear that inner critic most days, maybe sometime during a week, or maybe it's more occasional, but I think it is something that we all recognise.  As I was researching this, almost the more I thought about it, the more I could start to spot specific examples of where that inner critic was what was shouting the loudest in my head.

Helen Tupper: I had to think about it.  I know we're going to come to what ours sounds like and when it shows up, but I couldn't just go, "Oh, yeah, I hear it all the time".  I had to actually press pause and think, "When does this happen; and what does it sound like?"  So, I wouldn't say mine talks to me all the time.

Sarah Ellis: No, mine doesn't.  My is actually very scenario and situation specific.  But I do think having read quite a lot about this before this episode, for some people it might feel like it's with them most days.  Perhaps if you particularly are your own worst critic, if you identify, "Oh, yeah, I do tend to be really hard on myself", I think it might shout louder and show up more frequently.  I suspect both you and I have a good dose of optimism, which often helps us, and are relatively confident; not all the time and every day, because no one is, but I think we both have a good base level of confidence, which I think helps with that turning down the volume on your inner critic. There's one brilliant article I read that we will include in the show notes, on The Guardian website, and they really explore this topic. 

And one of the things that really stood out to me is it's so important that we recognise that that inner critic doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you, and it's not something to be fixed.  It's much more just a feature of being human, and I really liked that description.  Don't worry about fixing it, remember it's a feature of being human, but I suppose what we don't want it to do is to be the guiding thing with you every day that is in charge.  I think if your inner critic is in charge of your decisions, then it could really start to limit you in your Squiggly Career.

I think particularly when I was reflecting on this, in the knotty moments in your career, I think that's a real breeding ground for the inner critic.  So, when there's more uncertainty or change and when we feel more out of control, I think they're often times where you're like, it could just gradually, and you might not even notice it, but get louder and louder to the point where you then do lose a lot of confidence in those moments where you're actually trying to make positive progress.  Maybe you're trying to get unstuck, you're trying to see the wood for the trees.  But if all you can hear in your inner monologue is things that feel unhelpful or hard, almost like the worst of you rather than the best of you, I think that could really get in your way.

Helen Tupper: So, as a starting point, we think it is really useful to tune into your inner critic for just a moment so that you can think about when is it shouting the loudest and what does it sound like to you; because, I think the language in your inner critic is very personal and in order for us to work out how we stop it getting in the way of our growth, we have to learn to listen to it a little bit more. So for example, if Sarah and I just share what ours sound like.  I think this is quite vulnerable.  When I was thinking about this, Sarah, I was like, "This is quite exposing to do on the podcast!"  But for the benefit of you, listeners, here we go!  So, I was like, okay, when does my inner critic show up; and what does it say to me when it comes out? I thought when things are quite samey in my work, so if I've got a week that feels quite slow and quite samey, which I know on the surface is not always bad to have a week full of things that you've done before and a pace that feels quite manageable; but when that is the case, and this week is one of them actually, because we're recording this in the Easter holidays, so in theory I've got time to think, because it's not crazy busy. However, this is prime time for my inner critic to show up, because what it says to me is, "Helen, you're not doing enough, your work isn't big enough, it's not going to stand out", and my inner critic is something like, "You're not being distinctive, you're not making the most of your time, you're being lazy", it's something like that when the work is too samey, or it might feel a bit slower for me. 

So, it's almost like my inner critic creates quite a lot of pressure that I just wish it didn't sometimes and I'll sit here and I'll be like, "Instead of just taking a pause, produce something, you must produce something!" Then, the other time my inner critic comes up is annoyingly when things are going really well.  So, let's say one of our books has come out or it's got a really good review or an article for Harvard Business Review's going really well, instead of my inner critic going, "Well done, you've done a great job", mine goes, "You can't take a break or you might break the business".  It's like, "If you don't keep going, you're going to lose this moment".  It's almost like I don't see that what I'm building is sustainable; the inner critic is slightly more fear-driven, that if I don't keep going and keep growing and keep doing more, then I might lose it all.  So, mine creates quite a lot of pressure.  It feels quite hard when those things happen.

Then my third one, if those two weren't enough, is when things are busy, so there's a lot going on in the business and someone reminds me of a deadline, so this is definitely something that Sarah will do, she'll be like, "Helen, have you messaged that person [or] will you be able to do that by Friday?" something like that.  And then my inner critic goes, "Oh gosh, that person thinks I'm not on it or they think I'm not prioritising the right thing, or they think I've been wasting time", and I think my inner critic is going, "Helen, you're being too distractful, you're losing focus, you're not being impactful". So yeah, my situations are when things are too samey, when things are going well, or when things are busy, which is basically all the time!

Sarah Ellis: I did wonder whether you were going to get to that, because I was listening to you thinking, "Okay, so if things are really busy, it goes; but then actually if things slow down, it also comes out", which I think is why it is helpful to just start to spot those moments, because then you started to describe, "This is what it sounds like".  And you're right.  I went through this process last week when I was preparing for today's conversation, and there were a few where I was like, I didn't feel embarrassed, that's not the right word, but I was like, "This is definitely a vulnerable thing to be talking to people about".  And mine are quite different from yours as well, which I think hopefully is useful for listeners to hear the range of things. My inner critic is definitely loud when I've been ill or away from work for some reason. 

So, it could be, I suffer from migraines, so sometimes I have to disappear for 48 hours, because basically I'm in bed for 48 hours; or even if I go on holiday, so that's very different to not being very well, and things are then going well, let's say, in Amazing If, in our company, I start to tell myself, "I don't actually add any value.  No one misses me when I'm not there".  And you're like, "Oh, okay".  So, rather than thinking, "It's so great that we have built a business where it doesn't need me every day", I just think, "Why doesn't everybody need me?"  And we'll come on to the neediness that is so clear in that statement, that you're all listening just going, "Wow, she really needs people to need her", and I'm like, "Yes, I do hear that", but it's definitely true, I definitely have that one. The other one I have is when I think about how I work sometimes, and then I can't help but compare that to how Helen works, and we work very closely together and know each other really well, and I also know very objectively we're very different. 

I will sometimes be saying to myself, "Helen works so much harder than me, she must really resent me and how I choose to work".  So, let's say I am, I don't know, going for a walk or taking a break or having a much slower day, all things that I do because I enjoy working in that way and know that it really works for me.  I just have this slight niggle sometimes going on going, "I wonder what Helen thinks about the fact that I'm not working at 3.00pm" or, "I wonder what Helen thinks about the fact that I've nipped out for a coffee and we're really busy". So, I have this weird comparison thing that actually I never had in corporate world.  So, it is interesting as well to think about how your context might change your inner critic, and I think that's partly because you are running your own thing, and also partly because we're co-founders because we're so close and our worlds and our work are so intertwined, there's something about that I think that means my inner critic sometimes kicks in. Then my last one, I was really on a role by this point, I was like "Oh, yeah, I can really think of loads of examples!" was, when I don't get fast feedback on an idea that I'm excited about.  So sometimes, usually in quite a random, ad hoc, unanticipated way, I'll just think of something that I'll think, "I think there's something in this, I think this is a good idea, and it could be a really small good idea, or it could be what I think is a big idea, and I find it really hard not to then share those things in the moment, because I want some -- I think my ideas are fuelled by then the interchange of going, "What do you think?" and building on it and making it better. If I then don't get an immediate response, even though people can be just busy, got loads of other things going on, I very, very quickly start to tell myself, "I thought that person would think this was a good idea. 

This must not be a good idea, and the reason they haven't replied is it's not a good idea and they're trying to figure out how to tell me in a way that doesn't hurt my feelings".  And honestly, I get into this really weird spiral, and it's actually quite an emotional rollercoaster for me, because this could be within an hour I've got quite excited about something, and then almost because I don't get this fast feedback, the rollercoaster reaches the peak excitement and then I have this anticipation, you know when you're taking a deep breath and then you share it with someone else. Then the inner critic kicks in, because in that exact moment, I then don't get any kind of fuel for the idea, I then really quickly go down the other side and start to really tell myself, "I thought ideas was something I was good at, I'm not as good as I thought I was", almost like you talked about fear; I think I then get driven by quite a lot of fear of like, I think that's how I contribute and then if these ideas are not good, what am I now contributing, probably back to that first one a little bit of like, "How am I actually adding value if this is not any good?"  This gets really depressing, doesn't it, really quickly!

Helen Tupper: I know.  We have got some ideas for action, everyone.

Sarah Ellis: And, bye everyone, good luck with that!

Helen Tupper: Yeah, good luck with your critic!  No, but I was thinking actually, you might get this compound critic effect in teams, whereby your critic is negatively increased by my critic.  So what I mean by that is, you're like, "I'm sharing an idea, I want to get fast feedback and if I don't, then I fear that it's not a good idea", so that's your little cycle for your critic there.  And then I'm like, "Things are doing well, I've just got to keep at it, I've got to keep doing more", and so I'm very blinkard on keeping doing more of what I'm already doing, you're trying to share something that you want my feedback on, but it's almost becoming bigger because my critics making me behave in one way, which then increases yours.  It's a compound effect, which I think is why it's so good to talk about this in teams, though I do recognise it is quite vulnerable to do.  So, maybe even not doing it in your team first of all, just doing it with somebody who you know but you don't necessarily work with, just to expose this stuff a little bit, because there is more that we should do ourselves.

But just in listening to Sarah, for example, a lot of the thought process that she's applying to me, "Oh, Helen must resent me", doesn't even enter my head.  In fact, I really admire the way that Sarah works and it makes me want to put more boundaries into how I work.  So, I have nothing but admiration but because of Sarah's critic, she might feel there's more accusation in how I'm responding to it.  So, I think sometimes just getting this out in the open is quite helpful just to recognise that your thought processes might not be other people's.

Sarah Ellis: So, just before we go into the ideas for action, which I promise we do actually have, one don't before we get to some dos.  And I think the don't is, don't try and ignore the inner critic.  You might just try and think, "I'm just not going to listen".  I think if anything, when I've read some of the research about this, if you don't listen to it or you avoid it, actually it can make it louder; you almost then hear it on repeat.  You know that thing where someone says, "Don't think about elephants", and then all you think about is elephants?

Helen Tupper: Thanks for that!

Sarah Ellis: I think it's sort of the same thing.  So, don't try and ignore it, it's that whole make friends with it, which we'll talk a bit more about.  And actually, the other thing that has been shown to not work, which I thought might work, but there's some good reasons why it doesn't, I thought maybe what you need to do is look for some opposing data points.  So, for example, one would be Helen just saying to me there, "But Sarah, I admire how you work and I admire that you put boundaries in place".  For most people, that doesn't work as a way of changing your behaviour, not because I don't believe Helen; I know Helen really well and I don't think she's making that up to make me feel better.  But I think it's probably the irrationality of this inner critic.  Because, if I was rational and objective, I would just believe Helen, and I also sort of know that thing is true. But I think the problem is, you've been listening to this voice for a while, and I think you almost have to figure out for yourself how to quieten the inner critic.  And I think the starting point is very rarely, you almost try and balance the books by someone telling you some other things.  I thought, actually maybe that's a good thing to do; but apparently, the voice just returns, no matter how hard you try to suppress it or make it smaller.

Helen Tupper: Well, me saying that to you, I guess from your perspective, is like you thinking, "Well, good for you, Helen, but not good for me", it's different for me.

Sarah Ellis: I suppose, yeah, but there are times when that would work.  There would be times when getting some feedback from somebody else where they would say, "I don't observe that [or] that's not what I would think", can actually be really helpful.  But that's probably not the most useful starting point for this, and I think that's actually quite a good watch-out.

Helen Tupper: So, we've got four different ideas for action now to help you quieten your inner critic, and the first one is about self-distancing from your inner critic by asking a why question.  And I guess what this is doing is turning your inner critic more into your inner coach, so that it's something that we can work with. So, the way that you can do this is you can take one of those inner critic situations that you've identified previously, like the ones that Sarah and I talked about, and then you can turn it more into a why question.  So for example, I shared that my inner critic sometimes comes up when things are really going well for me at work, because I have this worry that it's all going to go away. 

So, if I then ask a self-distancing why question, that might sound like, "When things are going well, why does Helen", and using my name intentionally so it moves a little bit further away from me; so, "When things are going well, why does Helen fear stepping back means going backwards?" So, suddenly you've got a question that you can reflect on that doesn't feel so immediate in the now for you.  So, if I answered that question, the insight I get to is, "Because I've worked so hard to build the business and the life that I have, and ultimately I don't want to lose it".  Where I am now is very different to where I started at in my career and in my life, and I'm worried about going back to where I've been before.  So then you go, "Oh, that's interesting".  It's nothing about the project or the book or whatever you're going on, it's about something bigger in terms of you and your life and how it's grown. Or, as another one, it might be, "When things are too samey, why does Helen worry that her work will be forgettable?"  And so then, when I answer that I go, "It's because I associate growth with newness all the time and that if I'm not sharing work that feels new and different, then in my mind I'm not delivering on my value for growth".  So then you get into this area of, "Well, how could you grow not always from newness; are there different things you can do?"  So, it just starts to take your brain to a slightly different place that can feel a little bit more objective, a little bit more reflective and maybe not so emotionally overwhelming.  What would it sound like for you, Sarah?

Sarah Ellis: Well actually, I was just thinking, when you described your inner critic earlier, you actually already sometimes use self-distancing maybe without realising, because you talk about yourself in third person.

Helen Tupper: That's weird; that's a coping mechanism!

Sarah Ellis: Yeah, but you do say "Helen", you say your own name.  And so, I actually think one of the ways, as you were describing like, "This felt quite vulnerable for me", I was like maybe one of the ways it helped you to feel confident talking about it today was to use your own name rather than saying -- you don't say "I" when you talk about it.  So I was like, that's good, because that's you going, "I'm going to create a bit of distance from this, because I want to do something about it".  So, there you go!

Helen Tupper: I'd rather do it intentionally than having created some weird persona for myself to manage my vulnerabilities!

Sarah Ellis: No, just take it as you're automatically already doing the right things, whereas I think I'm very much like, "I, I, I".  So, I actually found this really useful.  A couple of examples from me, so I'd written one which was, "Why does Sarah, who normally feels confident about her contribution, feel like she has to compare herself to Helen?"  I was like, "That's interesting, why do I have to compare myself to you?"  I was like, I think sometimes it's the conflict or the stark contrast between how we both work and how we are different. 

And I think I still have something in the back of my mind about thinking, "Well, is one way better than the other?" because there's quite a lot of sameness probably, particularly when I was growing up in my career. You know there was sort of one way to succeed in that ladderlike world that we talk a lot about?  I still think sometimes I will think, "I'm not following the model or the mode of what success should look like".  I fall into that comparison trap and I see myself and think, "That doesn't feel right, I don't look and feel right", and I think because I've had that before in my career where I've thought, "I need to be more extrovert, I need to be more…", and usually that need to be more was something that I wasn't naturally.  And so I think at times, I veer back to, "I need to be more like Helen.  If I was more like Helen, things would be better".  So, that's quite an interesting insight for me, that's not something I would have thought about before doing this.

Helen Tupper: I mean, I feel like we've just been really smart because we've just co-founded a business together.  So, we've basically created this one person that has the bits of both of us in it; that's my view!  But I get why it doesn't always feel like that.

Sarah Ellis: Yeah, so maybe it's because I'm used to, or I've had examples before, of almost where I felt my natural approach hasn't felt like it's been the right way, so I've had to adapt too far before, so maybe I'm like, "Maybe I need to do that again", even though again, logically I don't want to do that, but I think that's just when the inner critic kicks in. Then I was thinking, "When Sarah is ill or away on holiday", quite contrasting examples, but I think I get the same inner critic for both of those things, "why does that prompt Sarah to doubt her capability or contribution?" so why does that creep in?  Actually for that one, I found that really helpful, because I've realised that when I'm not actively using my skills and my strengths, I feel more disconnected and less useful.  So it's like, the longer I'm away for, or almost the longer maybe you're unwell for, if you're not very well for whatever reason, I feel as each day goes by, I feel less connected to something that I love.  And then almost I start to think, almost I don't matter, I don't make any difference. 

The longer that happens, the worse it gets, if that makes sense. Probably being on holiday is slightly less so, because I almost feel like with holidays, in my head I go, "I'm on a holiday from work that I'm going back to".  But I think when I'm not feeling very well and because I do get these migraines every so often, often you're already in quite a negative mindset, it's not hard for that inner critic to creep in, because you're already feeling quite down; it's not something you've chosen to do, it's happened to you.  And then I start to feel very disconnected, and probably because I'm spending time in a dark room for two or three days and it's not very fun, I then get quite down and that monologue in my mind at that point is quite bleak in terms of going, "I'm not useful". I almost lose that sense of caring as well, because most of the time I really care, I spend most of my life thinking about Amazing If and very occasionally other things, but I'm very in it, I really care and I feel really committed.  And then suddenly, I feel in a completely different -- I have a very different relationship suddenly.

Helen Tupper: It makes me think actually, and we probably don't need to dive into it too much now, but maternity leave, I can see for both of us how these critics came into maternity leave.  If I think about mine, "Why does Helen feel that stepping back will mean going backwards?" I definitely on maternity leave -- that's probably why I went back to work after three months, after having my second child, Madeleine, because I was like, "I don't want to step back and go backwards, I need to keep going all the time".  And your one about if you're away from something, it makes you feel disconnected and less useful, probably contributed to maternity leave feeling like a difficult period too.  Our critics in those moments really start to show up.

Sarah Ellis: So there's one, we've only done one idea for action, but there's one for you!  So just ask yourself those self-distancing questions, and use the why.  But then you can just answer it for yourself.  I think it just reveals some extra insights for you. Idea for action two is about recognising that that inner critic is just part of who you are, not all of who you are.  One technique you can use here, which I found really interesting, and actually it's quite fun, this is quite a fun one --

Helen Tupper: Yeah, it's a bit lighter, isn't it?

Sarah Ellis: Yeah, as something that isn't very fun, this is quite fun.  You can almost start to label it and think about all of the different parts of your personality.  So, if you think, "Okay, I've got lots of different parts of me.  If that inner critic is just part of me --", and we interviewed a brilliant lady, called Rita Clifton, who talked about making friends with your fear, it's a bit like that, going, "I'm going to identify what part of my personality is getting in my way, or is in charge", when you've got this inner critic.  The more I thought about this week, I was like, "Do you know what, mine is I just get needy".  So, my sister's got a dog that's a really needy dog, and we call it The Little Needy Nugget, the little dog when it's being like always needy, it always needs to be loved, it always needs to be picked up.

Helen Tupper: It's very cute.

Sarah Ellis: It's cute and it's funny and I was like, do you know what, if I was thinking about parts of my personality, I'd be like, "That's the needy nugget", because I think that is it.  I think in lots of different examples, particularly when I'm thinking about the inner critic that is most likely to get in my way in my career, it's the needy nugget.  That's the one that I feel like, some of my others I'm a bit kinder to myself and a bit more understandable; but that's the one where I'm like, "Come on, Sarah, you can --" not do something about it, because we have talked before about, we're not trying to kill part of our personality, and I do think sometimes these things make us nicer people, more empathetic people.  But I almost think of it like a pie chart, I'm like, "I've got a slice of my pie chart which is the needy nugget", and it's recognising that and calling it that, and then we'll talk a bit about what else you might do around the rest of the wheel, I found quite useful.  What did you come up with with your names?

Helen Tupper: I had my "bigger, better barrier", like everything's got to be bigger to be better; and then I had my "forget-me-not --" well originally, I called it my "forget-me-not flaw", but I didn't really like calling it a flaw, it just felt a bit wrong.  So, I've called it my "forget-me-not foe" that that sometimes can be like, "I don't want to be forgotten, so I've got to keep doing stuff all the time".  That one, that's how I called them. I do think once you've talked about it and you've got all the detail, summarising it in these little names is just easier, because I don't want to go through everything I've just talked through with you every time I address this, it's a bit too much!  But just being like, "Oh, that's my bigger, better barrier again [or] that's the forget-me-not foe", it just helps because you go, "Oh, I get this now, I know what's happening in my head".

Sarah Ellis: Well, it starts to make it more practical, I found.  At this point, I was like, "Right, okay", you could almost say to yourself, "Don't be a needy nugget, don't be a forget-me-not foe".  And some of the other examples in this technique, which comes from psychotherapy, which apparently lots of people experience in case they're helpful, in case you're like, "I don't want to be a needy nugget", I'm like, "Absolutely fine, don't be one!" some people have one that they call The Taskmaster, which I guess might be a bit more like yours, Helen, when you're like, "Keep working, keep going, do more"; Perfectionist, which is probably very common; The Underminer, almost like The Terminator.  I felt like you could have "the" before it, that also might just help you come up with what you want yours to sound like. Just basically give it a little personality but see yourself as having lots of sub-personalities that are part of your pie.  And then we're going to come onto, in one of our other ideas for action, once you've got that, then how you also might make it a smaller piece of your pie.

Helen Tupper: It reminds me a little bit, in case it helps people, of the inner saboteur at work, where it might help you to come up with some of the language, like it has the saboteurs, like the avoider, the controller, the hyper-achiever, all that kind of stuff.  We'll put the link into this into the PodSheet, but it's on a website called positiveintelligence.com.  That might help you find some of the language that feels useful for you. So, idea for action number three, it's quite a deep one, everyone, but it's about understanding the relationship between your inner critic, what we've talked about so far, and your inner child.  So, your inner child, there's lots of psychology stuff going on here, but your inner child is the bits of you that are frozen in time from your childhood experiences.  And some of that's good, the things that you enjoyed and that you loved and that were really positively memorable; and some of it's not so good, so the things that felt difficult and hard about your childhood.  And bits of you were frozen in time, and the problem is when your inner child, the bits of you that were frozen in time, drives your adult behaviour, and a lot of that can be subconscious.

So for example, if I think about some of the things that were part of my childhood, I just remember this desire, I lived in Lincolnshire, and I had a desire to leave Lincolnshire; I just had a desire to leave the village that I was in.  My mum always worked, so I had this very strong need for achievement, this very strong need for independence, and this desire just to leave as soon as I could and go make my life that I wanted, which was a very strong part of my childhood.  I think that inner child need for independence and achievement is very, very part of my adult identity. When I look at, "Okay, well that's the inner child"; when I then look at my inner critic, "You must keep doing more, you must keep making it better", it is very, very tied to that inner child.  Therefore, if I want to stop my inner critic making me feel bad, I've probably got to address some of the inner child that might be driving it. 

So, I know that that's quite a lot of psychology, but I guess what I'm saying is, sometimes it's hard to unpick your inner critic if there's something quite far behind in your past that might be driving that.  And so we have to, what they call in psychology, "re-parent our inner child"; it's not as bad as it sounds, I promise.  But you almost have to address where is this coming from.  I think that's probably the easiest way of thinking about this.  What went on that has created this voice?  And, there are things that you can do yourself, and then there are some things that you might want some other support with. So, the things that you can do yourself here are, one of the things it advises is almost write a letter to your inner child so that it feels heard, which I know sounds weird, but you could just be like your 10-year-old self or your 16-year-old self, what does that child need to hear?  Then, it's almost a bit done, it feels listened to in a way maybe it wasn't.  Also, speaking to yourself kindly, like what is great about you, what is really positive about you, to give some of those positive messages you maybe didn't get in the way that you wanted them to do. It also talks about playing more rather than perform. 

If your inner critic is making you perform, you know, post more on social media, present more in meetings, talk more in your one-to-ones with your manager, whatever your inner critic is making you do that's quite performative, what can you do that just feels more playful.  It's not for other people, it's just for you; it's something that you enjoy, whatever that is for you, but reconnecting with the inner child in a positive way can mean that it doesn't create such negative attachments. The bit that you might want to consider is if you do see actually a really strong link here, if you start to reflect on this inner child, inner critic, and you're like, "Whoa, the stuff that happened to me quite a long time ago is definitely what is behind this voice that I keep hearing that's holding me back", then it might be useful for you to have some kind of therapy.  And if that feels scary, it doesn't need to, there are some really good things like BetterHelp, which is a really affordable way.  It's virtual and it's a way that you can literally have conversations about your inner child, and someone can help you to think it through, if it feels difficult for you to do on your own.

Sarah Ellis: And actually the more you read about this, the more you realise, and actually lots of the research and psychologists are very clear about this, that no one intervention works for everyone.  So this is, be very wary, I would say, of anything where you read, "The five steps to succeed by quietening your inner critic", because I think this is not a blueprint process.  I do think there are some things we would talk about where you think, "Okay, well actually if you do XYZ, it's probably quite smart and that would work for most people".  I think this is not in that territory, it's much more personal, so it's much more about listening to the things that we're talking about today and just going, "Which one of these feels like it's going to be most useful for me in my Squiggly Career?" so that the inner critic isn't too loud, it's not going to be too dominant, it doesn't get in my way from making positive progress.

As we were going through these, there were definitely one or two moments where I actually had little, mini "Aha" moments where I was like, "That's actually really helpful for me".  Actually, the part of your personality and naming it The Needy Nugget made me laugh and it lightened up something that by this point, I was feeling quite bad about myself; but actually I could even then think of examples in the last week where I was like, "Oh, that was the needy nugget thing.  That's okay", and then I felt much more upbeat, it straightaway quietened my inner critic, and that's I suspect because mine are probably less driven by my childhood and more driven by my actual personality, to be honest.  It's just part of me. So, straightaway practically, I could get to some tools; whereas I think for some people, you could do that and you might be like, "I don't feel any different, it still feels as loud as it did before".

Helen Tupper: Yeah, maybe yours is inner critic plus context, is what contributes to it; where mine is inner critic and the inner child, which is the bits that go, like you say, people might go, "Action 1 and action 3 are the right things for me", or someone else might go, "I need to do the two like Sarah, I need to name my nugget", for example!

Sarah Ellis: Yeah, just obviously worked for me.  And then the last idea for action, we are trying to mix up some of the deeper stuff with some of the slightly lighter, easier stuff, is as we've described, if we all have different parts of our personality, on the days or the weeks or the months where you feel like that inner critic is shouting the loudest, you are being your own worst critic, try and actively use a different part of your personality.  So, take an action or do something where you know it's less likely that your inner critic is going to show up. So, if you think about, "Okay, I've got one part of my personality pie that I'm describing as a needy nugget", and that probably shows up maybe when I'm creating an idea to share with someone else, when I'm comparing myself; I've talked about those examples. 

So, let's think about other parts of my pie.  I would think, "Okay, well I've got an empathiser part of my pie, I've got an intriguer, I've got a creator".  What am I doing, what are some of the actions that I'm doing that might just rebalance that pie at times, or put my focus, or even just distract me, which I think can be absolutely fine, in those moments where I need it? I was thinking, even about last week, when I research future podcast guests, when I'm thinking, "Who would be really interesting for us to talk about for this podcast?" that's my intriguer, curious part of my brain, really, really different to when my inner critic is in charge.  When I read generally, but particularly fiction, the empathiser part of my personality I think is much more in charge.  I'm never my own worst critic when I'm reading, and it doesn't actually matter what I'm reading.  When I'm doing some drawings, sometimes they're drawings, well I say sometimes, they're pretty much always drawings for work when I'm thinking about how we visualise things, that's just me being a creator and that actually feels slightly different to coming up with ideas. So again, I just don't ever notice the inner critic in those moments.  So, that actually really helped me.  I started to almost make a list of, when are the least likely moments that I hear that inner critic?  Those things are really helpful to know, because sometimes you might just think, "I'm just going to spend a bit more time", even if it's not your priority, "doing some of those things, because I recognise I need to turn down the volume on that critic.

Helen Tupper: I like the idea of it being like a pie and there are different bits of the pie you're trying to increase.

Sarah Ellis: Yeah.

Helen Tupper: For example, my inner critic comes up in the achiever activator bits, that's when it comes up.  So, what is not that; what is very opposite to that that I could pull into my pie?  It would be my learner, because that's never really about achievement for me, it's never about getting the badge or anything; it's just about loving learning and enjoying it.  That's really different, so I'd bring a bit of that into my pie. Or, it would be my reflector, which I get often if I'm walking or I'm journalling or I'm meditating.  There's something in that silence space that is very healthy for me and again, very different to the activator achiever bits of the pie.  So, bringing those in would help me to be more balanced definitely.

Sarah Ellis: So, we know that this has not been a super five-step --

Helen Tupper: Fun, upbeat, woohoo!

Sarah Ellis: I do feel a bit like sometimes we do really easy ideas for action that are just going to help you at work, whereas today we were like, "No, let's take on a topic that obviously also extends far beyond work".  But I do think there is definitely a relationship between how much you succeed in your own way in your Squiggly Career, and your ability to both spot and quieten this inner critic.  And I think it's something that we are both actively working on, and it's something I recognised before recording this podcast, but actually I feel much more equipped now to do something about, having spent some time just understanding this, because I do think it is one where you've got to understand, "What does this mean for me?"  You've got to understand that question, because it will be slightly different to everybody else.

The best other resource that I would recommend in this area, and some of you might have listened to this before today, is we interviewed Ethan Kross, who is a psychologist, and he wrote a brilliant book, called Chatter, which is actually about all of the chatter that goes on in your brain, so not just the inner critic, but also the inner coach, the good stuff.  And so certainly the, you know, describe yourself in the third person, that was definitely inspired by some of his work.  You'll notice his name in some of the research that we'll share after today. What I think he does brilliantly is make what is quite a tough and confronting topic at times (a) he's got the science behind it, he's spent 20 years looking into this area; but then (b) he does make it practical, he's got a very empathetic style.  I really enjoyed also reading his book, I think it's not a tough read, he doesn't go into so much science that you get lost, I think it's very accessible.  And he's got loads of examples in there, and again I think you could read it and take the bits out that work for you.  So, if you want to dive a bit deeper after today, you love listening, maybe listen to Ethan Kross's if you've not already, or if you want to read something, maybe check out chatter.

Helen Tupper: What I have found personally useful today is just talking about it with Sarah.  And nothing has been solved today, but just talking about it makes it feel like you can do something about it.  So, what might be useful is to take the PodSheet, find someone in your community that you trust that might want to have this conversation with you, take the PodSheet and just talk it through together.  Be like, "Would you try that out?  What does yours sound like?  What of these things could you do?"  That person doesn't have to solve this for you.  In fact, it's not for them to solve, it's just to listen and support, but it might just get you that bit closer to doing something about it if you've got it out of your head and into a conversation with someone that you trust.

Sarah Ellis: So, we hope this has been helpful, probably a slightly slower change of tone compared to some of our other episodes, but it's always good to mix it up.  If you've got any feedback, any questions, or you've got ideas for other topics, please get in touch with us, we always love to hear from you.  We're helenandsarah@squigglycareers.com, or you can follow and connect with us on LinkedIn.  But that's everything for this week.  Thank you so much for listening and we're back with you again soon.  Bye for now.

Helen Tupper: Bye everyone.