Timestamps

00:00:00: Introduction

00:02:37: Idea for action 1: facts vs feelings

00:03:59: Idea for action 2: breathe through your emotions

00:06:03: Useful resource

00:06:31: Final thoughts

Interview Transcription

Sarah Ellis: This is episode 18 of the Skills Sprint, and today we're talking about a complicated topic, which is managing your emotions.  Over to you, Helen, because this is hard!

Helen Tupper: I was going to say, I don't know why other people are like, "Why is it hard?  It's just emotions".  But we were reflecting on, I think, the way that we manage emotions, it's probably quite similar.  I don't think we are always very open with our emotions and I think people have a lot of learnt behaviours with emotions, so maybe your upbringing.  

Other people might have a different emotional response to you, but if what they're seeing is somebody who contains their emotions and doesn't show up with them, then they might think, "Well, it's not safe for me to do that either".  And so, managing your emotions helps you to probably be more authentic at work, it helps you to engender more trust with other people, and it helps you to create a space where other people can be themselves too.  So, it is a tricky, complex thing, but it is quite important for us to think about, "What does this mean to me; how do I show it with my emotions; and what might I need to do differently so I create that space where I can be authentic and other people can show their emotions too?"

Sarah Ellis: Yeah.  I was thinking, in the organisations that I worked in, certainly for a significant part of my career, nobody really showed emotion, it just wasn't a thing at work.  If I think now about how common it is to talk about people's mental health, which is obviously a brilliant thing, I do think now most of the organisations that we work with, everybody talks really openly and really positively about their emotions and how people are feeling and the impact that might have.  So, I do think we've come a long way, but we're probably both of a generation where it just wasn't a thing, and now that's a change.

Helen Tupper: I think there are two sides of the coin as well, right?  There is managing your emotions, like, are you showing up with your emotions or are you hiding them from other people for whatever reason?  And then, I think there is also managing other people's emotions.  I don't think you have to be a manager to manage other people's emotions.  It's if you feel uncomfortable, if you're upset about a situation and I struggle to respond to that, either because I've not got empathy or it makes me feel uncomfortable, then I'm not creating a space for you.  So, I do think that you might be better at one of those things than another, I would hope.  I think I've got work to do on both of those! Someone recently called me "emotionally defective"!  I was like, "Brutal!"

Sarah Ellis: That's harsh!  That wasn't me, was it?!

Helen Tupper: No, but it's the sort of thing that you would say!

Sarah Ellis: Yeah, I know, I was like, "That's too mean!"

Helen Tupper: But I do think it's worth you thinking, "Maybe I'm good at managing my own emotions, but I feel uncomfortable with other people's", or maybe it's the other way around, just in your own reflection here, like what does that look like for you?

Sarah Ellis: So, my idea for action here is a very practical one, and I have found this so useful, which is being really clear about the difference between facts and feelings, both for yourself and other people.  So, I think this actually does work for both sides of that coin.  And so, when things do get complicated, or perhaps there is a lot of emotion or potentially a lot of emotion, you can feel there's a lot of emotion, actually asking yourself for that clarity and asking other people for that as well, I have found loads of times that has helped us to move forward. 

And actually, what you're not saying is one of those is more valid than the other.  You're actually saying, they're equally valid; facts and feelings, equally useful, but you do need to know the difference between the two, and actually then really encouraging people to name their feelings specifically. So, it's something that we've talked about before, about labelling your emotions, because if you just sort of go, "Argh!", and I do think it's often a sound in your head like that, like, "Argh, so annoying!"  And you're like, "Okay, so what is it really?  Am I feeling disappointed; am I feeling frustrated; am I feeling angry?" almost encouraging everybody to be more specific about those feelings, because then I think they feel more ownable.  You can sort of make friends with those feelings, and I think you start to spot your own emotions that you bring to work.

Helen Tupper: What I do, I think, is more about managing my own emotions.  So, I find that in our job, I think we have to show up a lot of time for other people, in the nature that we do.  And if you're a manager or your roles, you're probably doing this a lot, you're showing up a lot for other people.  And I find if I've got a lot of nervous energy or a bit of stuff going on my head about all the things I've got to do, like stress energy, I don't feel like I can show up as well for other people. 

So, the thing that I personally do to manage my emotions, where I think they're getting in the way of my work, is I breathe through it.  Now I know that sounds like, "We all breathe, Helen", but I very specifically do box breathing and I do it a lot. I would say once a week, there is a situation where I'm like, "Okay, almost ground yourself a bit, Helen.  So you can be your best for these people, you've got to get rid of this stuff that's in your head, all kinds of emotions".  

And box breathing is really simple.  You just breathe in for 4 seconds, you hold it for 4 seconds, you breathe out for 4 seconds, you hold it for 4 seconds and you just do that a few times.  No one knows I'm doing it; people don't know, I just sit there.  But it brings me a sense of focus, which I find helps calm my brain, and physiologically it does stuff to you.  Box breathing would be useful. Another one that I heard recently from Sam Conniff, he talks a lot about uncertainty, is breathe out for longer than you breathe in.  I mean maybe just play with it, but for me, in moments of anxiety or stress where that emotion's affecting my work, those are the things that work best for me.

Sarah Ellis: And I actually heard a professional golfer talk about four-box breathing, and apparently he was saying it's the one area where there's a lot of evidence around just how good it is for you, because what it does is it slows your heart rate down so your nervous system gets a bit more of an even keel.  And again, it's not to say those emotions are bad, but sometimes you just think, "I just want to be calm".  Maybe, "I'm feeling nervous and I want to feel calm".  So, I think what you've described is a way of transitioning from an unhelpful emotion to actually a helpful one, which I think is often something we can all recognise.

Helen Tupper: So, given we are not the experts in this area, we are learning as we go with emotions, who's someone that people should maybe read or watch or listen to?

Sarah Ellis: Well, I'm sure you might have seen them before, but if you don't follow Liz and Mollie, you definitely should because their illustrations are just brilliant.  And they wrote a few books, but the one that I particularly find useful is No Hard Feelings.  And they do really explore this idea of emotions, how useful they can be, how to make sure that they work for us rather than against us.  So, follow their illustrations, they've been on the podcast before; or read their book if you want to dive a bit deeper.

Helen Tupper: So, that is it for today's skill and our next skill is all about goal setting.